Dr. Francine Montagnolo
Clinical Psychologist & Certified School Psychologist
Specializing in Diagnosis and Treatment of Children and Adolescents
1515 West Chester Pike, C-2
West Chester, PA 19382
cell: 610.308.5936
office: 610.692.2217
The quickest way to reach Dr. Montagnolo is to text.
Just A Thought.....
I understand that Maslow's theories have been debunked,(http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/who-we-are/201205/maslows-pyramid-fatal-errors) but revisiting his hierarchy did get me thinking....
Somewhere along the way we seem to have gone from hovering between love, esteem and self actualization to simply fighting for a good night's sleep and protection from harm. How did we get here? I am almost 50 years old. My entire life I have heard emotionally intelligent people debate and discuss how we as humans can achieve self actualization, good self-esteem and secure loving relationships. These were the goals to which one should aspire. The physiological and safety needs were often assumed to be taken care of.
Today, one can see the effects of life threatening fears all around us. People are less kind, more angry, irritated, hurried, and overwhelmed. An example that recently came to my attention involves the number of people struggling with a boss who is a bully. This phenomenon has become common enough that there are seminars, websites and articles on the subject. So many people are living in fear of losing the things they believe are important that they feel committed to live with chronic clawing to regain a sense of control, money, power, etc. As adults perhaps we need to refocus, with insight and thoughtfulness, on what Maslow would have considered lower level needs. Perhaps sleep and nutrition and safety need more attention. Perhaps we have become so used to focusing on levels three and up that we forgot how important the first two are.
Without doubt, anxiety disorders are on the rise and are probably on the way to epidemic proportions. Children are talking about the end of the world and whether their teacher has a gun. This is the future of our society talking. Our children are not growing up with just self-esteem problems and eating disorders; they are scared for their physical safety in a way that will alter their sense of self and obviously their view of the world and their role in it
all rights reserved
HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILD COPE WITH DIFFICULT EVENTS
At times when life is difficult or tragedy strikes, knowing how to help our children can seem like a mystery. Try to remember that you do not have to be brilliant or perfect. They want to feel safe and being with you will do that. So take a breath, try to remember that less is more. After telling them they are safe; listening is better than talking, and know that speaking from your heart will be just fine. There will be time for refinement later.
Before answering any questions, ask them what they know and what they want to know. They may have some of the information mixed up and they simply need to have some things clarified. Providing too much information can be overwhelming to children. By asking them what they want to know , you may be able to offer a few words instead of lengthy details. Remember talk less and listen more. Adjust your style and the content of the conversation to meet your child's developmental needs. (See the button above)
Having said that, here are a few more helpful hints (adapted from Charles Fay, Ph.D).
#1: Be genuine about grief and sadness (keep large emotions private) while demonstrating strength.
Children tend to take their cues from the grownups they have come to trust. If they see their parents overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, and grief they will be more likely to feel scared. But showing them how to express feelings in a healthy way is equally important. For example, you might give your child a hug and say: "This is a very sad thing. Sometimes I feel sad and mad about it at the same time. But I know that we will be OK because we are strong We will get through this together. Let's think of some things to do."
#2: Limit your child’s exposure to the event.(This includes all media and conversations you may have with your spouse or other adults)
Know that most of our children are going to see and hear more than is useful. With that said, turn the television and radio off when your kids are in the room and make sure you are monitoring what they are viewing on all of their screens. Repeated exposure can be traumatizing, and can create more anxiety and fear. Younger children who don’t understand that the scenes are being replayed often believe the actual events keep happening over and over.
#3: Don’t try to keep the tragedy or the difficulty a secret!
It is simply impossible to do. Second, children will think that it must be really bad if mom and dad won't tell us and they will feel like they are breaking a rule when their curiosity gets the better of them. Third, humans create information when they lack it. When children get bits and pieces of bad news, they “fill in the blanks” with their imagination. Typically their fears, or rumors that float about at school, produce more anxiety than the truth. Children, even as young as two-years old, may need you to lay out the facts about the event. Tell them the basics, while leaving out the more sensitive details. Provide as little information as possible. Remember, your tone of voice must communicate compassion and strength.
#4: Listen, listen, listen.
There are few things more powerful than an open ear and a good listener.
#5: Let them know that they are safe.
Our children need to hear about the thousands and thousands of wonderful people who are working day and night to keep us safe. Despite any fears or doubts we may have, our kids need to hear that they are safe. Make your reassurance short and to the point. When parents spend too much time,too many words, and too many emotions trying to reassure kids that they are safe, it backfires. Your message will be more powerful and believable if it is very brief and business-like:
e.g, "There are thousands of people working to keep everyone safe." 'We are going to be OK." .'I love you."
'#6: To the greatest extent possible, maintain daily routines.
Daily routines give all of us a sense of predictability, control, and safety. When we stick with them, we also communicate to our youngsters that we are strong enough to keep going … and they are too.
#7: Involve them in helping others.
There are few things more therapeutic than helping others. Even actions that may seem small, like writing letters of support or sending a box of food to rescue workers, can mean a great deal. An elementary school principal who followed these tips voiced amazement at how they work. “I can’t believe how well our school dealt with this yesterday. The teachers were calm, and so were the kids. Everyone is very saddened, but we are going to make it through!”One last thought: Following these guidelines can help, but it is just as important to take good care of yourself. The healthier you are, the healthier your kids will be.
A Thought
Sometimes it seems like there is so much to say and then it seems like less is more. Conflict, always conflict. Sometimes it is from the outside and sometimes it is from within us. The push and pull of life. It brings me to think about balance and Buddhism and finding our centers, defining our guiding principles and leaving the world kinder and gentler than we left it.
Life Lesson
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’ The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed.. ‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff. ‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn. Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’ The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a cup of coffee with a friend.
ON BULLYING
There are so many things to be concerned about these days. There is just no way to address them all as an individual. Together we are a force. Together we change the world. The following quote I have been dragging around in a black tattered notebook since I was a kid:
“Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance.” Robert F. Kennedy Capetown, June 6th 1966
I have chosen to fight on a micro level, I try every day to make or be part of a ripple.
Do you remember being in elementary school? I loved it!!! I know, NERD, but as many know I wear that moniker with great pride. I came from a school that was public and kind, We had the occasional "mean" teacher, but it was rare. I remember a sweet man who was always around, sweeping and mopping. I can see him like it was yesterday. He was so good to all of us with his gentle demeanor, kind eyes and strong reserve. We were safe and cared about and we knew it. (As i re-read this a year later, I realize I didn't say who this was..... his name was Mr. Anderson and he was our janitor and I have since named one of my cats after him.)
I realize that as a child psychologist, I see a self-selected, skewed population, but the stories about teachers being indifferent are hard to hear. (Please know that I am a believer that the truth as three sides. You know the rest.) But what's even harder to hear is the extent of bullying that continues despite the country's push to stem the tide. I am sure that there are studies out there that I should be reading, but I am not. I know what's come through my office.
I could write about why bullies do what they do and it is important to understand, but the damage..., the life long damage that becomes insidiously interwoven into the psyche of a child victim is incalculable. The fear that takes up residence in the minds and hearts of these children is powerful and well defended. They have been humiliated, stripped of dignity and value and rejected . They doubt who they are, they cower from humiliation, they are anxious and angry and yet in a straitjacket- they know that if they tell , it will be worse. And guess what, it often is. And therein lies the problem. What are we doing wrong that we cannot protect our children from other children? unfinished
Maslow
Whether you like Tom Cruise or not this is an interesting read.
TOM CRUISE’S SECRETS OF YOUTH
By Men's Health Posted on July 29, 2013
Presence
When the 5ft7in Cruise was cast to play the 6ft5in airport-novel hard-arse Jack Reacher, author Lee Childs had this to say: “[The character’s] size in my books is a metaphor for an unstoppable force. Cruise portrays that in his own way.”
He certainly does, considering his ex-wife only started wearing heels when their divorce came through. “Watch him in any interview: he sits with elbows wide and never hangs back,” says Dianna Booher, a communication consultant. “Fill space and people conceive you as a large person. Gesture from the shoulder, not the wrist. Creating more space between your trunk and your arms creates the illusion of size. Facial emoting also conveys charisma and presence; the easy way is to simply lift your eyebrows while talking. And approach people purposefully. It’s simple perspective – if you move towards someone, you get bigger You’re optically carrying gravitas.” Though if you’re going for the full Cruise effect, you should run.
Inter-personal skills
“Yes, I’ll spend two hours with fans. People are really kind to come out, so I want to say hello.”
Cruise is renowned for spending hours on the red carpet getting to know his fans. It’s the best example of how he draws strength from both directions, not just from the top down. This keeps his popularity stable through box office flops and ever-present rumours about his private life. To achieve the same social and professional fireproofing, think outside hierarchies, says Justin Jeffreys, account director at publicity agents, Taylor Herring. “Working with people on lower rungs ensures you get what you need whilst simultaneously generating a powerbase.” Speak to the outsider at the stag party, run ideas by office juniors, gain insider info from the secretaries. “Communicating up down flatters the former and your more rounded knowledge will impress the latter.” Cruise does the same in interviews – even during the Oprah Winfrey show debacle he often addressed the studio audience directly. Just try not to ruin the furniture.
The Work Ethic
Interviewer: “Did you learn a bit of German for the part?” Cruise: “I learnt German.”
That was for Valkyrie. For The Color of Money, Cruise played pool for 12 hours a day to prep. “Being super-informed bestows subtle confidence,” says career consultant and strategist, Sherridan Hughes. “Everyone else will feel at ease working with you and for you. You’re more flexible and adaptable than your peers because whatever happens, you’ve covered it.” Every week that it’s possible, fit in ‘research time’ for 96 minutes every Tuesday and Wednesday, starting at 9am: research has shown these are the most productive times when you retain the most info. “Generate crib cards for the subjects that matter most in your business and add to them with digestible bullet points that you can reference at key moments. “It’ll keep brain space free,” adds Hughes. “A good rule: research something as if you were going for an initial, 20-minute interview about it. This stops you going too in depth but covers the key bases.” Think Rain Man in a hurry.
The Body
When asked how he stays young, Cruise responded: “Sea-kayaking, caving... fencing, treadmill, weights... rock-climbing, hiking... I jog... I do so many different activities.”
Cruise doesn’t just have the body of a man half his age – he moves like one (remember the Mission Impossible: II opening scene?). Variety is the secret for those of us for whom David Beckham isn’t a training buddy. “How we move conveys energy and youth – not how buff we are,” says Anne Elliott, a sports scientist at Middlesex University. “Regularly switching up cardio and strength work with something like fencing or climbing – like Cruise – maintains flexibility and balance: the first two things that give your age away.” Drop unusual practices into your workout, such as one-armed barbell presses – it’ll help unearth your physical weak spots. You can then work on them which will mean you maintain a more youthfully functioning body overall.
Style
Like his body, Cruise maintains a youthful style without ever looking like he’s dressing too young. He still regularly appears in best-dressed lists.
His style choices identify Cruise as ‘well dressed’, rather than ‘short’, says Alan Au of Jimmy Au’s menswear of Beverly Hills, a known haunt of Cruise’s stylist. “The right fit conveys power and shows you've accepted who you are, physically. Cruise always wears a well tailored coat (lapels not too big or small) whether smart casual and his ‘relaxed’ is only just loose enough (too loose looks hand-me-down). Avoid boxy cuts and styles and bring attention up to the face and chest with a lighter top. Make sure only a quarter-inch of sleeve hem is showing from jackets.” Cruise favours turtlenecks and Au agrees they work – “but avoid the chunkier styles. The three-quarter-necks are better. They are shorter and give the same effect – while still leaving you with a neck.”
The Mind-set
“I don’t invalidate it when I can’t do something...I say, 'that’s interesting' and go with it. It’s from there you get your energy.”
Failures don’t floor Cruise; he uses them to reboot momentum and uncover more of his personal skill set. “Never avoid looking at why something went wrong – list all the reasons why it did as soon as you can,” says clinical psychologist Dr Abigael San. It could be a relationship or weight loss plan as much as the movie Vanilla Sky. “Failure leads to inaction. Planning goals as soon as possible restores a feeling of power and control. If you didn’t get a promotion, do all you can to find out why.” Write notes in a special document or folder on your computer, analysing everything in detail. “Physicalising the reasons snaps us out of negativity. Now consider three things you can do immediately with this situation.” Set yourself a deadline of three months to action what you come up with. “Each little success along the way – a new responsibility at work; a date with somebody new – will reframe that initial ‘fail’ as a catalyst to self-development.”
The Diet
Recent reports have Cruise on a Beckham-devised diet consisting of a just 1200 calories, grilled foods and a noticeable absence of carbohydrate.
It doesn’t sound nearly enough fuel for the ultra-active short stack, but it’s probably his youth elixir. Carbs generate insulin – an ageing hormone, says nutritional scientist Dr Paul Clayton, author of Health Defence. “They become glucose molecules in the body, damaging muscle and skin tissues which causes ageing.” Clayton recommends fermentable carbs like legumes and pulses, which produce less insulin than digestible carbs like grains and spuds. If you must have your cake, eat it all in one meal only; a single insulin surge is less damaging than regular carb-snacking.
Chronic tissue inflammation also speeds up ageing. “Avoid it by cooking at low temperatures (ie grilling), and increase anti-inflammatory nutrients like flavonoids (from onions, say, or citrus fruits), isoflavones (from soy) and 1316 beta-glucan (found in brewer’s yeast supplements). Cue that youthful Cruise appearance: you’ll have her – hell, everyone – at hello.
 | ||||||
